The Answer to Why

I think the most difficult part of my "recovery" from my difficult childhood was dealing with the issue of the Sovereignty of God. If God truly loved me, why didn't he spare me from the ugly things? He was the "Good" Shepherd, wasn't He? Yet the Scriptures are very plain in declaring God's sovereignty. Nothing escapes God's eye, nothing surprises Him. I recall spending several hours one day on my bicycle outside my childhood home, trying desparately to remember any good thing that had happened in there. As I mentally walked through each room, I only saw the trauma. Now that I'm older, I understand that my brain was "purging" the repressed memories. Still, it was a very sad day for me.

As I went off to Bible college, I took several theology courses. I devoured the survey courses on the Old and New Testaments. I eagerly "sparred" with my classmates about those biblical issues like election, the perfect will of God, and the meaning of God's foreknowledge. But it wasn't digging into Scripture that solved the issue of my past, but rather several experiences that God used to demonstrate the truths of His Word.

One particular instance stands out in my mind.

I had a very good friend in college, and for reasons too lengthy to deal with here, we hadn't spoken or written in some time. I was concerned that a disagreement had separated us. She was too good a friend to just let her slip away. I went to the lake on campus and poured out my heart to the Lord. I wrote in my journal that day:

"I'm not asking You to change the circumstances, but to change me. I'm not asking that You fill the hole in my heart with another friend, but to mend it and fill it up with YOU."

Feeling a little refreshed, but still heavy in heart from my loss, I walked back to my dorm by way of the mailroom. I checked my mailbox, and of course, as you've guessed, in it was a letter from my friend. Seeing the return address sent a surge of hope through me. But it was far more beautiful than mere correspondence. My dear friend wrote, "I saw this the other day, and it made me think of you." What followed was a poem called, "What is a Friend?" It was a tribute to my faithfulness to her in the good times and bad; my understanding of the contradictions in her and in our relationship; my unconditional love for her. You'll find this poem at the end of my post.

A flood of tears fell from my eyes in thankfulness to God. But it wasn't just thankfulness for the restoration of our friendship, which, by the way, has lasted over thirty-six years, but also because God allowed me to suffer just long enough for me to surrender my will to His. I was ready to release the earthly relationship because I truly wanted what God wanted in my life. The sorrow that I felt softened my heart. I had said goodbye to far too many people already in my life—this one just seemed to hurt more because she was such a valuable person. Yet the event helped me to know that whatever God wanted in my earthly life was secondary to the fact that He wanted my heart.

As I reflected on this, I realized that a great deal of the hurt in my youth brought me to dependence on God. It also taught me no one is "too far gone" for the gospel. It also has given me a unique connection to some young people I am blessed to know. I know from Bible stories like Joseph and Moses, that the circumstances in our lives uniquely fit us for service.

Romans 8:29

For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren.

There is one verse that sums up my satisfaction in God's Sovereignty. It is Romans 8:29 (above). God's design in my suffering is to make me like His Son. This one truth is all I need to make sense of the struggles I've faced. What else could I want than to be more like Jesus?

What is a Friend?

What is a friend? I will tell you. 

It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.

Your soul can be naked with him.

He seems to ask of you to put on nothing,

Only to be what you are.

He does not want you to be better or worse.

When you are with him,

You feel as a prisoner feels

Who has been declared innocent.

You can say what you think,

So long as it is genuinely you.

He understands those contradictions in your nature

That lead others to misjudge you.

With him you breathe freely.

You can avow your little vanities,

And envies,

And hates,

And vicious sparks,

Your meanness and absurdities

And, in opening them up to him,

They are lost, dissolved in the white ocean

of his loyalty.

He understands.

You do not need to be careful.
You can abuse him,
Neglect him,
Tolerate him.
Best of all, you can keep still with him.
It makes no matter, he likes you.

He is like fire that purges to the bone.
He understands, he understands!
You can weep with him,
Sing with him,

Laugh with him,

Pray with him.

Through it all -- and underneath

He sees, he knows, and he loves you.

A friend? What is a friend?

Just one, I repeat,

With whom you dare to be yourself.

Posted 12/01/08 on richgelina.blogspot.com